| (no subject) |
[Aug. 4th, 2008|10:40 pm] |
life is funny.in two weeks ill be going to college and finally putting an end to the past 18 years of my life. i'm really excited but scared at the same time..especially cause it's always been hard for me to let go of things and people..but i think i have a better grasp on the whole letting go thing..and it feels good.
i got two tattoos..one on my upper back that says om sairam... and one on my right side.
that's basically all.. i can't wait to move on with my life.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2008|07:41 pm] |
i feel so liberated.
and i most certainly believe in karma.
you do bad to others. and bad will be done to you. |
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| We got older but we're still young we never grew out of these feelings that we wont give up |
[Jun. 2nd, 2008|01:37 pm] |
alli crawford i have so much to update you on my life
andrew and i broke up. he proved to be absolutely crazy.
zack and i are back..together...but i won't make it official even though he would like to..so we're seeing each other exclusively. but we have to lay low for awhile too..since andrew and i JUST broke up.
but i have to admit the sneaking around kind of gives me an adrenaline rush
its been 2 years..and it makes me feel really good that he feels the same way still. and i'm not completely crazy.
yeah i know.
and summer has only begun |
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| the heart of life is good |
[May. 21st, 2008|10:27 pm] |
i finish highschool in 4 days
life really does fly by faster than you may think..
and it's way too short to stay stuck on the past
my dad and i are able to have a healthy relationship with one another now..which i think my age is responsible for. i've grown up alot in the past two years..and have come to accept my dad for who he is. and i've stop defining him by the shitty things that he had once done to us. he is one of the most genuine, and honest persons that i know. and for that i am so appreciative of him.
i realized that im not alone in heartbreak..and i was being selfish. but after all that..i'm with someone now that i can honestly say we have the most honest relationship i've ever had. and while i may not be in love..i'm completely content and happy in the place that i am in with him. i'm too young to get caught up in all that. i just want to experience things for what they are..and stop thinking so much about the future.
speaking of heartbreak...him and i are finally at a place where we can call or text eachother to hang out..or be in the same room without running for the door. while he still makes me feel scared, and anxious, and uneasy. he is also the only guy in my life that i still feel safe around and knows me better than anyone else..and when we hang out its like none of that drama and bullshit ever happened. we've pretty much spent every weekend for the last few weeks together. which is ironic considering everything we've been through and the fact that i've been dating his best friend for almost a year now. the only thing that still gets me uneased mostly is that he stil looks at me in that way that we did two years ago..i guess some feelings never do die..but they can be looked passed. i will admit though that i'm scared to look at him in the eyes..so i always avoid it as much as i can.
the friends i've made and the friends i've lost have all been really important to me and have all made major impacts in my life in one way or another..so seeing them off when we all leave for college is something that i'm not exactly looking forward to but i know i have to face. i hate goodbyes.
i have no idea what to expect with this summer..they've never been the same and each have been really influential in my life.
i'm really excited yet really nervous to see what's ahead.. but i guess you never really know untill you just experience it.
i'm just blabbing untill i can fall asleep about the same things i always talk about.
but i do what i want so suck it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2008|05:27 pm] |
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"What if we just decide not to fall apart? What if we decide not to wait to see what happens, but instead decide what we want to happen and then decide how to make it happen?" |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2008|12:01 pm] |
dying my hair..yet again.
i go back and forth with deciding if i want to have a shit load of colors in my hair or my natural all black..and today i went with the latter.
so updates..
got kicked out of my house again..surprise surprise
my mom leaves tomorrow for a while
i think i can probably sneak back in while she's gone..i like my bed too much to leave it
boys have yet to change..
it doesn't matter how many desperate voice mails you leave me in one day..like today..and text messages you send me telling me it's from the heart you want me back. it doesn't change the fact that you're a liar and you still fucked her.
so i just turn my phone off.
i don't get it..why would you want to explain something that there really doesn't need explaining. like just leave it.
i love fast food too much to try and diet for a flat stomach for senior week.
whatever.
anyways..my brother turns 22 this weekend.. it's so weird.. he's an old man. i think i'll give him a cane for his birthday.
OH, and tennis is taking over my life.
ps. i really don't care that the pope is in town..i just want to watch the tyra banks show..but the pope took over her time slot for today. wtf |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|10:57 pm] |
my exboyfriend is a psycho and a pathological liar.
that is all
tomorrow all time low and forever the sickest kids.
woo.
okay bye |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2008|05:04 pm] |
i've been making my own decisions about my future, my friends, boys, basically everything and keeping them to myself nowadays.
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|07:25 pm] |
There is going to be a lot of activity in your life right now, and all this busyness offers you a great opportunity to get rid of some of the negative emotions you've been holding on to. Jealousy, regret, anger, and self doubt are not helping you, so they need to go! Luckily, with all the new stimulation in your day today, you will enjoy an 'out with the old and in with the new' dynamic that will leave you feeling refreshed and invigorated for the future.
yahoo horoscopes know whats up.
wow it's been a year. and damn i feel good.
i have this new mentality over me now..and it's kinda strange..but i like it.
I've been realizing that in the next couple months..i'll be making some major transitions in my life.. from being completely dependent on my family to being on my own. and i'm really excited about it. i think that everything that i've been through will really benefit me on being even more independent and strong..and discovering more about everything around me..without being sheltered or too naive about it all either.
it's such a rush..but at the same time..realizing i'll never have my youth back.. or be able to be this care free and dependent will never happen again. it's scary.
i used to have trouble with keeping up with live journals when i was younger..i always deleted them..or would never update them. This live journal was made like 3 or 4 years ago with no intent in actually using it..and the password and everything (thanks to michele bowne) has yet to change..(i guess i shouldn't have said that but oh well)..when at the time my priorities were all about going to shows, and keeping up with the next trend, or my "square", and finding a date for my freshman and sophomore homecoming dance...and now i'm a completely different person. looking back it's so weird to see how much my friends and i have grown and changed. some closer and some further apart..and it's crazy to see/read all the different paths everyone has ended up taking. most of which i would have never expected.
i'm just going on and on..
anywho..one thing i really am/going to miss the most about the past is the summer of 2006 with the band and courtney. we were all inseparable..and we really believed that all their hard work was really going to get them some where big. the kevin says stage at warped tour was a day/night/week i'll never forget.
i think thats the one thing i really do miss the most.
now the guys..from what i know hardly speak to eachother (but i could be wrong).. my friend is practically no where to be found most of the time due to the fact we both have conflicting schedules and other priorities, and my brother who was once my best friend is just some passer by that comes by every so often with his new girlfriend.
it's not that i'm bitter.. it is sad.. but in a way i think they all, and we all came together for a reason, and then drifted for a reason.
it's life.
this was much longer than i thought..i originally wanted to leave it at the horoscope and thats it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2008|09:13 am] |
looks like i'll be staying in good 'ol maryland.
tennis started yesterday..and i played like shit.
my friends are coming around alot better than before..but i stil like to have my space.
i've never gone on so many dates in the past 2 months than i have now.. and found that..i really dont' want to commit to anyone..but i really don't want to do the whole hook up thing anymore either. i'm just perfectly content with everything as it is. Plus..is it completely terrible that it doesnt phase me when a boy brings me flowers anymore, and calls me sweet things. It just doesn't do anything for me.
they ended up breaking up..i don't know the details..or whether they are gonna try and work on things or not..and strangely..i like don't care. when i found out it didn't phase me either..i was right back to what i was talking about before. I thought the day i would find out that they were over..something would change..but now it's like..i don't care. makes me happy that it doesn't affect me at all anymore.
but i have to go back to class..
PEACE |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|05:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | you me and everyone we know | ] |
so it's not that i'm ungrateful or unappreciative of the opportunities being handed to me now.. but it's like..now that these options are there it's stressing me out so bad. i got into every school i applied to and narrowed it down to either James Madison University or University of Maryland. They both have their positives and their negatives.. and i keep going back and forth about where i should go.
They are both really good schools academically, so i'm not too concerned with that..but more the lifestyle.. because if i'm going to be going to school and living somewhere for the next 4 years, i want it to be somewhere where i'll be happy, and not get bored so easily. and it's like..it pretty much determines the next part of my life..the people i'll meet, the things i'll do, everything.
so maryland or james madison? someone help! ha
in other news..
i got a new car. well more of a hand me down but i love it, and i'm soo appreciative and grateful that my parents aren't putting me through what they did to my brother.
thats the car..only it doesn't have a spoiler and it has a jack in the box ornament thing on the top of the antenna on the back.
so it's the last semester of my senior year of highschool..looking back i'm just now realizing how quickly 18 years have gone by. time and life goes by fast..and it's just so amazing how things play out and happen.
oh and dyed all the color out of my hair so it's back to jet black.. but then i got bored and my friends put hot pink on the bottom.. oh and andrea has been living with us now..it's so much fun having her around..it really is like having a big sister.
i've stopped smoking..still. and i've also chilled out on drinking. i'm able to make friends for a longer time than just one night when i'm sober..i like it that way. and it kinda led me to meet someone. but i dont know where that will go, or if it will. so i'll leave it at that.
and lastly.
i cant believe it's been a year. well technically not until the end of next month..but a year since him and i have been apart. and boy have i grown..a lot.
and since i stopped hanging out with all the guys..i don't really hear much about him, or any of them..and it's been really good for me. even though i did see them at a bonfire a couple weekends ago..but i only stayed long enough to make an appearance and leave. it was chill. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2008|11:44 am] |
so far so good.
i've been having the most ridiculous dreams lately.
about things i don't want to think about anymore, and i've stopped thinking about.
or so i thought.
but they're JUST dreams, right? right.
so i'm not going to think much of them
sorry i don't remember the link to make a photo cut. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2007|11:30 pm] |
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why does it follow me no matter where i go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|07:25 pm] |
my sisters right. i think it was the shock more than anything that got me. but i'm okay
in other news..homecoming is this saturday and i'm actually really excited. it's my last year to do this, and going with andrew should be pretty nice.
we spent all today together. and i also bought two books.
that is all.
peace |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2007|12:15 am] |
have you ever wanted to just completely step outside of your normal character, and possess some qualities and traits you never had the courage to have before?
we all wish to be smarter, nicer, more assertive, stronger, well not those traits for everyone, but to be something that we aren't.
well the past couple months, i've traded in my naive nature, and ability to forgive and forget, and to want to please everyone, and play nice with everyone to be someone i wasn't necessarily before. It wasn't to impress anyone, and it wasn't to make a point, it wasn't because i've been bitter, and it definitely wasn't to hurt anyone that i was previously close with before.
i'm not going to lie, being walked all over on by people in my past kind of gave me the courage to be this girl who feels like there is more of an agenda behind people, to write off and move on from those who i felt wronged me (and i do realize i probably wronged them much worse), to not care what anyone thought because i finally felt confident and comfortable in the friendships i've formed, and to not give a shit about being nice to, and playful with everyone around me.
I say friendships because i haven't really been able to form a relationship in which it was mutual. while things with him and i are actually pretty good, it's not necessarily something that i can confidently say will last. because i don't want it to.
We grow up faster than we think. and while thats kind of saying heard everyday, time really does fly by. thinking back, I'm thankful for my hardships, and for everything thats happened.
with growing up as my brother posing as a father figure to me, not having any relationship with my father because i still cant forgive him even though he's stopped drinking and has been sober for like 4 months now, sorting out the real from the not in people, and to the positives to like being so fortunate to be apart of so many things in music, and in life that not many young girls can say they've had a chance to do.
i finally understand now that, everything that's happened to me has shaped me into the person i am today. and while many may not approve, i am really happy in who i am now.
and yeah sometimes i do wish i could take back the fact that i've cut off so many people, but i feel like if they are meant to be in my life, they'll come back because they want to be, and not because i feel nostalgic.
except for one person, the situation's a little different, and the ball's in my court on that..it's just whether i want to take the ball and shoot it or not..and yeah i realize that's really corny...
in a year ill be off to college, separated from my best friends and family. those i've grown closest to, and felt secure with. it's a scary thought, but i'm finally feeling prepared. but i also realize..this is my last year to do the things i've been really wanting to do.
i'd rather live regretting the things that i've done, rather than the things that i didn't to, or the things i never said. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2007|11:08 am] |
oh my god. get over yourself already.
in other news i got new boots and my halloween costume.
peace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|07:04 pm] |
as much work that's piling on me right now, i like it.
i like knowing that i always have something to work on, and something to do.
the weather has definitly changed. i missed the warmth, and heat of the summer.
hellooo falll. even though it felt more like spring today and yesterday.
as i was driving to my friends yesterday i realized that i really live in a beautiful place. it took me 6 years to notice it and realize it, but better late than never.
trinity and i pulled over the side of the road just to take pictures of everything around us.
i'm really going to end up missing this place once this time next year comes around.
including the farms around me, the land, and downtown frederick.
and lastly..i miss navit mena!! and i'm sorry i didn't stop by your work the other day.
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2007|07:18 pm] |
just a word of advice.. people will ALWAYS find out stuff. even if its months from then.
and i never talked about you even when we were best friends till now i always had the guts to say it to your face and i always stuck up for you even after we drifted when people said shit about you.. i never once talked behind your back, ignored a call or a text, or felt irratated by you. which may sound like i'm bullshitting..but i'm dead serious. you were the one friend that i completely trusted, and felt okay to be myself around and to talk to about ANYTHING including any issues i felt like i had with you...my brother was even telling me that you're the one friend i had he really compeltely trusted me hanging around along with my parents so it sucks to find out shit like this. whatever. im seriously done. and it feels good to kinda take a stand for myself. this year i'm not gonna let myself feel vulnerable or weak by friends, boyfriends, or anyone.
i hate resorting to livejournal. but i'm just tired of finding out stuff about the people you least expect.
oh and this goes out not just for this person, but for everyone. if you have a problem with my lifestyle, the things i do, the people i'm around, or whatever it may be take it up with me. not my brother. not other people. WITH ME. |
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ieatclamchowder's journal
